I've ignored it for too long

[Ashlee]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading a lot of your stories and I feel this is a good community for me to be a part of. I've never wanted to join any groups that were all about being angry or resentful or just about bashing JWs. I've been out of the religion for about 16 years. WOw! It has been a while, but I've never dealt with any of the feelings, (guilt, anger, etc) of leaving. Here's some background about me.
My family is not JW. My sister and I joined when we were in 4th and 5th grade because of some neighbors down the street that we became friends with. We were latchkey kids and my parents were always working. We basically rebelled from our parents in order to be JWs and were viewed as great examples because we were so devoted and had opposing parents. My Mom got upset and wanted us to quit studying when I told her I wasn't going to attend college because of what JWs taught. From the age of 10 - 28 I was a very zealous and devoted Witness. I studied, got baptized against my parents wishes. I became a FT Pioneer from the age of 18 - 27 and served at Bethel as a commuter bethelite.

When I was around 27 my sister got disfellowshipped. At around the same time, I was wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I hadn't gone to college. I was a waitress/secretary/whatever I could do to continue to FT Pioneer and had no career. I started going back to college while in NYC (had just stopped Bethel service).
I moved back home with my parents in Nevada because I wanted to go to college and be able to afford it.

Eventually I just stopped going. I didn't do anything bad. I didn't get disfellowshipped or dis-associate myself. My sister went through a lot emotionally when she got D/F. guilt, anger, loneliness, etc. With me, I didn't feel anything. It didn't seem to bother me.

I've managed to not think about it much for 16 years. I never figured out what I believed instead. I have avoided thinking about it. But not dealing with leaving has not been good. I've had recurrent dreams/nightmares about being a Witness, but not really believing in it. I really don't even want to dig into this whole issue. The thing that's making me face it now is I've had a lot of chronic physical issues and I'm being treated by an acupuncturist. She asked me if there was something in my past that would be an emotional blockage for me. Obviously, this unresolved religious issue has been causing me all kinds of problems and I finally admitted that I have to think about it and figure it out.

I realized that I still have a belief about Jehovah. Mentally I reject a lot of the JW beliefs, but because I believed for so long, my subconscious hasn't stopped believing. It's really a negative and sick belief. I guess I still (subconsciously) believe that Jehovah is going to destroy the earth, armaggedon and all that stuff.

I haven't adopted any other religion, nor do I believe in evolution. I do believe in a higher power. Beyond that, I don't know what I believe. Maybe that's why I still feel that the JWs are right (not consciously but as I said , subconsciously) and that Armageddon will come and I'm not on the right side. Because I haven't replaced that doctrine with something else...

I am married and live close to my family (brother, sisters and parents). I am very close to my family. They are Non-JWs and were very happy when I was no longer a JW. We are very close. So at least i don't have that broken family situation that I read about a lot of you going through.

I don't want to join any religion, but I just want to have peace in this area of my life so that I can be healthy, physically and mentally. Just ignoring it, like I have has only lead to my subconscious grappling with it and having nightmares. What would you suggest? How do you figure out what you believe once you leave? Do I need to talk to a therapist? Do they have therapists that specialize in JWs?

Thanks!

[jesuslovesme]

Ashlee, you don't need a therapist. You believe in God but you have been misled to believe that the JW Org. is the mouthpiece of God. Now you have come to realize that this is not true. So seek God. HE is not hard to find. Read your Bible without any Bible guides. Because God ministers to us through His Word. Pray and ask Him to show you His ways and He will.

After 30 or so years of leaving the "truth" I was Just like you. I put my belief in God aside even hating Him at one point for being such a cruel and demanding God. It took some hard times in my life before I realized that He is not the cruel and demanding God that I had been led to believe. He is gentle and He wants a relationship with us. You won't learn that in the KH.

JW's have misinterpreted so much of the Bible but they teach many Bible truths. That is why they are so dangerous. It is hard for a person to tell if their teachings on certain issues are true or false. But their real downfall is the fact that they have changed the Bible to fit their belief. If we don't read the Word for ourselves we do not know what the Bibles says so we are led around by false prophets like the JW Org. They tell you not to read for yourself because they don't want you to know that they are teaching falsehoods.

Remember that JEsus reprimanded the religious leaders and not the common people in His time on earth. He just forgave them and healed them. He will forgive us and heal us too. Tread slowly and give God a chance to lead you. HE will.

[Palimpsest]

Ashlee, you don't need a therapist.

Please do not discourage anyone on the board from seeking therapy. It's fine to believe in God, but it's not okay to tell members, especially new members, to rely on that solely for help.

Ashlee, welcome to JWR. I'm glad you've found this place, especially when it's so clear that you're hurting and still being impacted after all these years. We have many members here, myself included, who were faded away for years before we realized how deeply impacted we still were/are.

It seems like you're struggling with two issues -- getting rid of the residual JW anxieties, and figuring out where to go from here.

As far as getting rid of the JW anxieties go (including the nightmares; I used to get them as well), cognitive-behavioral therapy is the suggested path to take. That is the most research-proven form of therapy for getting over deep anxieties and learning how to work through them in more effective ways. Those of us on the board who have done it can report great success. Best of all, it's so commonplace that it's usually covered by insurance and doesn't require you to find someone who specializes in treating ex-JWs. Pretty much any therapist who works with patients with anxiety issues will be able to help you with CBT. If you'd like to find a CBT therapist, there are handy search tools at http://www.nacbt.org/searchfortherapists.asp and http://www.abct.org/Members/?m=FindTher ... orm&nolm=1

As far as figuring out what to believe now goes, that's a much trickier thing. For me, the best thing I did was not think too much about it. I know that's hard to do, but I found that sorting out my own feelings and beliefs went a lot more easily once I stopped worrying about it and instead let my beliefs develop and reveal themselves to me more naturally. It also helps to not worry so much about finding a label. It sounds like you already have a general sense of what you believe -- you believe in a higher power but not a particular religion -- so part of it is just being content with that. But the thing is, you'll never get to that point until you address that first issue of anxiety.

So I'd say that's your first step -- locate a good therapist, start working on those issues, and then watch as everything else falls into place. And keep using this board to help you along the way.

[jesuslovesme]

Palimpsest perhaps you are right. Maybe if I had sought therapy in my earlier years I wouldn't have had to experience all of the bitterness, pain, and unbelief for over 30 years. Who knows what it will take for us to come to cope with our distrust after leaving a cult. Thanks for setting me straight.

[TealSock]

Hi Ashlee!

I can relate a lot to your background. I joined when I was 12 and left when I was 27, all without anyone in my family joining as a Witness.

I'm still trying myself to figure out what exactly I believe in spiritually and haven't gotten close to figuring it out yet (I've only left less than a year ago). But if you haven't done so already, I would recommend doing research on JWs from sources other than the Watchtower Society. I'm in the process of doing that, and it has really worked wonders for me as far as figuring out which of the JW beliefs I should still believe in or not believe in. I would recommend looking at jwfacts.com as one of your sources.

Welcome to the boards, and if you want to talk through anything, this is a great place to do it

[Ashlee]

Thanks for the warm welcome! And the suggestions. I'll check into the CBT. @Tealsock, I'll look a little more at jwfacts. At least you're not waiting a long time to figure this out. How did you decide to leave? Is your family supportive of you?

[Gargamel]

Welcome Ashlee.
One of the great things about this place is that you can believe what you want and you won't get shunned.
I've done god. I've done therapy (initially for reasons other than the jw stuff but that did come up later). For me, god didn't work but therapy did. I'm as crazy as ever but I don't feel guilty about it now so I'm cured (that is a very tongue in cheek jest laughing at myself BTW) .
I had problems with many of the old beliefs sticking at a deeper level too. It took me about 15 years away to even start addressing the old armageddon fears not to mention being a misfit in a modern society having been brought up on supposed values that were thousands of years out of date. It took me that long because I sedated myself heavily for 13 years - mainly with a synthetic heroin substitute. Once I got away from that though, I had to start tackling the personal issues that I never made sense of - and the jw stuff was a huge part of that (though by no means all of it).
For me the "god doesn't exist" stance works. However, I don't doubt that it's possible to find a way forward by adopting a loving, caring god rather than holding onto one that would have a hissy fit and destroy most of the life on this planet. Plenty have found a loving god to be a viable way forward. It doesn't work for me but I know that it does for many.
I am a great believer in therapy. You readily acknowledge that your main issues are with your subconscious stuff rather than the more conscious mind. As that is the case, delving into the subconscious for a tinker around would probably be best for you. I can only say this as a layperson who has been in therapy but a problem in the subconscious won't usually be resolved in the conscious. There may be temporary relief at a conscious level but I've found that the old bogeymen have only been sorted out more efficiently when I've gone deeper and beat them up in their own back yard .

[leavingwt]

These two books were extremely helpful to me.

Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan

Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Franz

Welcome!

[TealSock]

@Tealsock, I'll look a little more at jwfacts. At least you're not waiting a long time to figure this out. How did you decide to leave? Is your family supportive of you?

The short version of why I decided to leave (the long version would take about two pages) is because I realized that I didn't know what I really believed anymore and didn't know if I only believed it because I had for so long. So I decided to take some time off and find out what I believed because I thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out with having the Watchtower Society's publications and talks surrounding me. My family basically took the news of me leaving the religion by saying, "Oh, is that so?" They have offered me no emotional support, and their whole reaction definitely surprised me.

That's great that you have a good family life now. Did your parents support you not being a JW anymore right away? Or did it take them some time?

[Ashlee]

My family has never been in JWs. My little sister studied with another family that lived down the street from us when I was in 5th grade and got baptized against my parents' wishes so they were very happy we're not JWs anymore. My mom is very supportive. She offers to listen to me my sister who was disfellowshipped is also pretty supportive too.

I'm so glad I finally decided to take a look at these "apostate" websites. It's funny. Even though I haven't been active in 16 years, I was so brainwashed about looking at apostate stuff, that I just didn't want to do it. But I've spent all day today on JW facts and this site and watched Jehovah's Witnesses exposed and for the first time, I feel like I can step back and be on the outside looking in. And what I've realized is that I was part of a man-made cult where CT Russell, Judge Rutherford and other imperfect men were putting forth their interpretations as divine truth. I've practically lived my whole life based on what these men thought and most of it just doesn't make sense. I feel more liberated now and even though before I would have told you I don't believe in JWs anymore, as of today, I can really say that now knowing the false reasoning and inconsistencies. More importantly, in my heart I know I'm not a captive and scared little girl anymore. In my head, I hadn't disproved anything to myself before. Now I am beginning to view the Bible more as a bunch of myths and the WT society as just a bunch of people who appointed themselves the interpreters of the Bible.